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I could write the typical love song - you know the one,
of minds merged, souls converged, of loveseats and heartbeats,
of rose blossoms and gold, 'to have and to hold';
I could repeat sentiments, far too often told.
I could write a lyrical love song - one made for a tune,
for wedding dances, longing glances, hot romances;
for love found or lost, for lovers star-crossed,
I could sing a song which would move you, at most.

I can't write with innocence, this is no light affair.
Won't promise the stars, I can only reach so far.
I'm not a fortress, no hero, I can't save your soul
Your every happiness isn't in my control.
I can't write with absolute conviction, I can't
promise there'll be no friction, restriction
I can't give you the earth, I'm one human being,
and with love and its cohorts there's no guaranteeing.

What I will do, is love you the best way I can;
To raise you, amaze you, enthral and daze you,
To be here forever, through every endeavour,
To be with you always, wherever, however.
What I will do is be there through all of life's blows,
To hold you and shield you from misfortune's woes,
Stay truthful, stay faithful, stay loyal and true,
Show you trust eternal and let love's light shine through.
The first stanza of this flowed. The second was difficult. The third damn near killed me... and it shows. I've never had to work so damn hard on a piece of writing only to be unhappy with the end result. It seems forced, I know that. Any constructive criticism would really, really be appreciated.
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:iconcaptainquirk:
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2008
I like how it's more realistic and down to earth than most love poems/songs. As for the rhyme scheme and structure, I think it's interesting how the placement of the rhymes are varied. Like, not every line rhymes and sometimes shorter couplets are nestled in with the other words.
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:iconlucrecia1337:
Lucrecia1337 Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2007
Absolutely lovely piece, i think it flowed quite beautifully

I personally think the first and last stanza are the best ones, they really do get across all of the feeling involved and give a very clear message. I wouldnt say any of t sem particularly forced at all!

A very nicely written piece, i love the rythem it has to it.. So just in general i love it!

Must fav!
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:icondevilicious:
devilicious Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2006  Professional Photographer
i think its gorgeous in every way
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much Mary, and thanks for the favourite. :love:
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:iconthisisnotoneword:
thisisnotoneword Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2006
"Stay truthful, stay faithful, stay loyal and true,"

That's the only line that seems forced in this poem only because the of the words truthful and true. There should only be one of them there, the other should be replaced with something else, but I wouldn't worry about it too much, because it does not interupt the flow.

This was written absolutely brilliantly. I love the language, the feeling, the message. Outstandingly beautiful.
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
I know, I'm trying to think of replacement words which fit in with the rhythm. Any ideas?
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:iconthisisnotoneword:
thisisnotoneword Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006
If it were up to me, I'd change truthful with steadfast.
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:iconcaptainquirk:
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2008
Your avatar is brilliant.
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:iconthisisnotoneword:
thisisnotoneword Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2008
Thanks
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
That's a good word. :nod:
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:iconglowing:
glowing Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2006  Hobbyist Photographer
I have to agree with this. The thruthful, and true.

However, I think it flowed very nicely. I know nothing about writing or poetry, but I really enjoyed reading this, and just though for the most part that it was lovely.
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks. :love:
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:iconx-eevee:
x-eevee Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2006
its good. It gets very gilted in the second stanza. I think the rhyming there is very forced too. First stanza however is fantastic! :D
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! I guess it's still a 'work in progress' really. :P
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:iconmrsnox:
MrsNox Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
Writing poetry isn't my specialty forte so I wouldn't know what to do to advise you- I liked the way it rhymed but not at the end of every line so it wasn't simple- it was fun to read!!! Put together well!!!
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
Ta. :love:
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:iconalexishelmsley:
alexishelmsley Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2006
wow... appreciating the difficuly that you had writing this, i love it.

:#1:
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks. :)
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:iconalexishelmsley:
alexishelmsley Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2006
:glomp: tres welcome! :#1:
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:iconsnowwhitedisaster:
snowwhitedisaster Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2006   Writer
considering i never write structured poetry, i really can't give you any helpful suggestions for making this flow better. however, i can tell you that i LOVE this, and i think its brilliant. (with a little tweaking, it'll be damn near sensational). most definitely :+fav:'d.
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow... thanks! :)
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:iconlittlevahn:
littlevahn Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2006
Ah, flowed very nicely. Good piece

Vahn //
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:iconquentinwrites:
quentinwrites Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. :)
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